A Birth Story

It's been a little quiet around these parts but for good reason! On September 20th my tiny doula partner for nearly 40 weeks joined us earthside.

 I've gone back and forth about sharing our birth story. It feels like this birth was five years in the making. It healed parts of my heart I assumed I would just learn to carry as they were. So there's a part of me that wants to hold this story of our birth close, where it's safe. Safe from the critique and questioning that I worry (maybe unnecessarily) it may be met with. Birth transcends barriers and leaves no one unchanged. So naturally there are many, strong opinions on how folks should choose to move through it. This is especially true within our birthing and parenting communities. Often before they've even had a moment to catch their breath and sit with everything they've just lived, new parents are bombarded with "did you do it naturally?" "did you have a vaginal birth," "did you have an epidural?" "oh you had c-section" and I'll tell tell you as a birthing person and a birth worker, the pressure (whether real or perceived or a little of both) to have the perfect birth is... exponential.

I believe in the intense power and unmatched beauty of birth. I also recognize the power held in the tools that science has given us that help some of our unique birth stories come to fruition and the power that comes with our ability to choose to give them a place within our story. You see, birth is not linear. Ever. Sometimes it's a mixture of raw power, beauty and science, and it brings forth the courage within us in ways much different than we anticipated.

"Courage transforms the emotional structure of our being. This change often brings a deep sense of loss. During the process of rising, we sometimes find ourselves homesick for a place that no longer exists. We want to go back to that moment before we walked into the arena, but there's nowhere to go back to. What makes this more difficult is that now we have a new level of awareness about what it means to be brave. We can't fake it anymore. We know when we're showing up and when we're hiding out, when we're living our values and when we are not."

Brene Brown, Rising Strong 

~

The Wednesday before our birth evolved to be perfectly uneventful as the boys and I had a quiet morning before I made my way to our weekly non stress test. Later that night Jorge, the boys, and I had dinner at Souplantation (because it's their favorite) before meandering around Costco for last minute odds and ends in preparation for the beginning of the next big chapter for our family. I remember thinking as I wobbled through aisles with my guys how crazy it was that it would never be like that, just us, again. It's wild. The juxtaposition of heartache and happiness you feel realizing what you leave behind but also what is on the horizon is unrivaled.

That night, I cried just a little more (you know, for good measure) and laughed at Jorge as I wondered aloud, "I bet he'll decide he's ready tonight." I could just feel he was, in the way that us mama's feel things, but also how cosmic would it be for him to decide he was ready to join us on the eve our scheduled cesarean.

Sure enough, sometime around midnight I found myself waking to surges. It wasn't really a surprise. This had be going on for almost two weeks. Surges that came every night like clockwork but ultimately tapered off by morning. This time felt different though, and I knew it. I got up to pee and did my best to find sleep again. Around 500 am, I was up again and the surges were still flowing. I knew this was definitely early labor at this point and decided to track them using the Bloomlife monitor (I'll share more about this later). It was pretty amazing to watch and feel my body do this work.

I was equal parts nerves and joy that morning knowing that we were now going to labor and possibly VBAC. For the second time, my body was doing the work that years ago, a provider had convinced me it failed to do when she coerced and scared me into a primary, unnecessary cesarean. Every surge that came was like a physical reminder that I didn't fail. She did. And it felt phenomenal.

My surges began to find regularity and shift in intensity so I decided to keep with our plan and make our way to the hospital. Around 1130 we walked into the waiting area at Kaiser to see my doula, Chelsea, cheerfully waiting for our arrival. I remember her saying, "you guys are glowing" as we walked in and stopped to let the biggness of what was about to happen settle and I felt another surge come and go. This is actually one of my favorite memories from our birth. 

Let me just take a moment to say - find you a doula who will look at you the way Chelsea looked at us the moment we opened the door to the waiting room. Happiness and excitement poured from every word and look as she mirrored us and this truly set the tone for our birth. Whatever happened, it would be done with happiness and excitement and nothing less. 

Before long we were in a triage room and I informed the nurse that while we originally scheduled a cesarean for today I was now having regular surges and a trial of labor. We took our time moving through intake questions and sometime within the hour I was on the toco (the tool we use to monitor contractions). 

A few surges in, the monitors alarm went off and our nurse called for assistance. It was so early in this journey, I knew this, and already he was having "decels" (decelerations - dips in the heart rate). Several nurses came in and worked at once - one got oxygen started as we maneuvered positions, another placed an IV,  and another called for anesthesia and Dr. Neeper.

In the midst of all the hustle and in between surges, Jorge and I locked eyes. We've been here before. I had hoped not be here again.... but like I said, birth is not linear. My mind raced as the toco alarms triggered memories of our last birth. My second tolac ended in an emergent cesarean after prolonged decelerations and hardly any recovery. By the time we rushed into to the OR he was in distress and we spent our first few hours apart, unable to breastfeed or be together through his transition and it was hard. 

A nurse tried to calmly explain what was going on as I cut her off to say I already knew and understood everything that was happening. While I had every intention to labor,  I knew deep down I would not risk spending our first few hours apart to birth my baby vaginally. I wanted more than a VBAC and having a solid support system in Jorge and Chelsea gave me the courage to admit that.

When Dr. Neeper came in I explained that I no longer wanted to labor. I told her and our nurse that Jorge and I wanted to move forward with our cesarean but also that I had several wishes that needed to be honored. I needed (and kind of demanded) to watch his birth, delayed clamping of his cord, delayed newborn procedures, immediate skin to skin and breastfeeding in the OR. I needed everything I had missed with my second boy. I needed to be able to love my birth while falling in love with my boy.

Dr. Neeper agreed to honor all of my wishes, and at one point said she too would do whatever it took for "less science, more birth." 

To make this long birth story short, a rare blood incompatibility between Mateo and I that popped up on my bloodwork and this lead to delaying our cesarean. He was still having decels that were being closely monitored by all but my care team felt it was equally important to hold off as long as possible to send for blood in case of emergency for me during our birth. It was a bit nerve wrecking but ended up being a blessing in disguise as it gifted me precious time alone with Jorge, Chelsea, and Jamee. Just being with them and laboring through surges was so special and so needed. 

our Doula Chelsea

After a quick, see you in moment kiss with Jorge, I finally found myself sitting hunched over on the OR table laboring through surges as the spinal was administered. The surges growing in intensity, being there, in the OR, that little bit of fear and wonder of whether I could really do this... This was my transition. As a birthworker I know this chapter of labor to look vastly differently but as a mother I can tell you that the emotional landscape of those minutes before our birth were the same. A few rogue tears found their way down my cheeks and I remember the nurse laying her forehead on mine. I don't recall her saying much. But just that little bit of touch had been enough. Sometimes we just need a hand to hold or forehead to lean on as we enter our arena. The best nurses know how to keep space too.

Dr. Neeper on her way into the Birthing Room

"You like oldies right? How about a little My Guy?" she said as she walked into the birthing room.

Soon enough Jorge was at my side as Dr. Neeper prepared me for the pressure, tugging and pulling.  Music lulled in the background until his cries were the only music I could hear.

Mateo had passed meconium and needed a vacuum assisted birth, but even still my request to watch and for delayed clamping were fulfilled as much as possible. After a quick once over, he was placed on my chest and the entire room seemed to just... melt away. We were right where we belonged, together and nothing else mattered. We said our first hello skin to skin and breastfed almost immediately. And Jorge, he never left our side or missed a moment. The room was still busy, but it so many ways it was just the three of us. It was magic. No less than a vaginal birth but perhaps even more magical to me, because it was our kind of magic.

 

skin-to-skin for our first hello...

... and our first latch just minutes later. 

I can hardly put into words (I know, crazy considering how long this short birth story is) how grateful I am for those first moments and first latch with my boy. I loved and still love our gentle, family centered cesarean and it would not have been what it was without the compassionate care we received from Dr. Neeper and our stellar labor and delivery nurse.

Our boys seeing "Baby Teo" for the first time

Our Doula Jamee

The first Team Navarro selfie

~

We're now 8 weeks into this newly minted postpartum journey. I've been putting these little bits and pieces down here and there to share so I apologize if things are a bit disjointed. I've left a great deal out because like I mentioned, there are parts and nuance to this story that demand safe keeping. I know a cesarean birth is not always wanted or in some cases even needed, I've been there, and it's hard. If you're there now, just know it's ok to grieve the birth you wanted and I see you. If you find yourself somewhere beyond the grief now, also know that healing (like birth) is not linear and you don't owe anyone any explanation for how you choose to traverse the peaks and valleys. And most important, know that it's entirely possible to fall in love with your future birth(s), however they unfold, if and when you decide you're ready.