How do You Feel About Your Birth?

How do You Feel About Your Birth?

I remember the day I took this photo so well. I can still feel every emotion that flowed through me, invading my deflated belly that was just days before full of life. We were just days into our fourth trimester journey together. My body and belly were still swollen, and the glue they used to put me back together was still visible. I had seen my doula on this particular day, and I remember her asking, "so how do you feel about your birth?" 

No one, not a single person, had asked me this. It seemed like such a simple question, and yet her words were like triggers. The flood gates opened. Tears began to fall. One look between us and she knew how much I needed to be asked this question, and how badly I needed someone to listen. Our birth might have been over, but there she was, still keeping the space. It was moment I will long remember. It is part of why I became a doula and why I believe every woman deserves to have a doula keep space for her.

So, how do I feel about my birth? This is, for me, one of the hardest questions to answer. In the months since our attempted tolac turned emergent cesarean I've felt it all. Gratitude for evidence based care and the skilled and strong hands that delivered our boy from my body. Satisfaction, that I was supported in attempting a trial of labor and seeing my body initiate labor naturally, something I had believed it could not do after my first cesarean. Trust, in myself, and in my intuition. Anger, yes and even a little jealousy, because on some days a part of me still yearns for the birth experience I once wanted. It is a yearning I cannot explain, but it is so deeply rooted within me I can't deny or be ashamed of it. Pride, in my body, in our birth, in our cesarean birth because it brought our tiny human earthside, and it was birth of my mama sol. 

To anyone who's had a birth experience- how you feel about and look back on your birth matters, so remember this: 

You birthed your baby.

Your feelings are valid.

Your body is strong.

Your birth was beautiful.

 And for all the mamas who haven't been asked this question yet, "How do you feel about your birth?"