On giving postpartum support

I shared these words recently in a post on Instagram, and they were then shared by one of my favorite pages, @takebackpostpartum. In no time at all it became abundantly clear that we don't say this or talk about this enough because new parents still hear these words. Here is what I said ~

At my 6 week postpartum visit I remember the medical assistant answering my comment about enjoying being done with checkups at the office with, “well of course you’re done, it’s not about you anymore.” And to be honest I was totally dumbfounded by this comment. If there were ever a list of things not to say to a new parent this would surely be on it. 

Honestly, my knee jerk reaction, although I didn’t say it aloud, was “fuck, this is how you send new parents away?” But also, this is someone who has just become a person they’ve never been before and they're loving, feeding, holding, and worrying for a person that’s only just arrived... it was about them before and if anything, it’s about them even more now. It doesn’t matter if they are a parent for first time or the third time, they have never been a parent at THIS time.

Can we please stop telling new parents they don’t matter or it’s not about them anymore. FULL STOP. It is not ok. And then we wonder why new parents suffer in silence through things like postpartum anxiety or breastfeeding trouble or painful postpartum sex. Those misinformed words have power and even more so on someone who is learning to be a new person while bleeding, leaky, exhausted, and weepy.

So if you’re lucky enough to find yourself in the position to support someone who is at the beginning of a postpartum season here are just a few things you can say: 

How do you feel about your birth?
How are you feeling?
Can I make you a meal?
How is feeding going?
It is hard.
It’s ok that you’re feeling this way. 

And even better than anything you can say, just show up for them. Take them a meal. Bring them groceries, clear the dirty dishes in the sink without prompting, and then when you’re done just sit with them. They’ll share when the words are there and they’re ready. And if they don’t, that’s ok too. Just being there for them is perfect, it’s a loving silent reminder that it’s still about them and you’ll be there when they need you.

~


I share because it doesn't take much to ask these questions or to sit with a new parent, but could you imagine for a moment how this kind of support would ripple through families and communities. That kind of payoff would be immeasurable.

In solidarity.